Fear

Things did not go the way I planned them today. Patti took Steve to the airport for his trip to meet up with his army buddies from Iraq in Calgary, Canada. He got off on time. I went to the radiation treatments by myself this morning and everything went well there. The problem today was I was just so tired. I returned home and nearly fell asleep eating breakfast. The day was then a struggle to stay awake. Caleb, Micah and Heather came over and I could not stay awake while trying to work with the boys on their school work. (Heather is home schooling them) I slept off and on until 1:15. I went to the office to sign tax returns for the business and to work on the bunk beds. Got some more done on them and hope to have them constructed and ready for finishing by Saturday. I know yesterday overdid my strength. Sometimes I run smack into a wall it seems like when there is too much to do. We had the radiation, then stitches removed, got home after 1, ate, crashed for an hour and a half, got up, ate again, then went to the mall for a half hour of walking. The wall hit at 20 minutes and I could barely make it out of the mall. Slept well, but woke with the wall again this morning.

The Fear that I entitled this is for this reason. Maybe some of you out there with cancer or who have had it experienced something in the same realm. Every ache, every pain, a cough, a sore muscle, a headache, is it CANCER? I notice the more I am tired, the more I think this. I have to remind myself that my back does hurt when I spend a couple hours on my feet working in the shop. I have to remind myself that I did have aches, pains, sore muscles, headaches and a cough long before I had the cancer. Right now I have no evidence of the cancer anywhere in my body. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I also must keep reminding myself I am an individual, not a statistic. For those of you who have or are facing similar circumstances, you can probably relate. Those of you who have not probably find this possibly silly or worry over nothing. I really feel that "living with cancer" is much harder than "dying from cancer." May be a hard thing for people to understand unless your are there or been there.

I thank God today that I have 10 more radiation treatments to go. I thank God for the month or so ahead that I will not be facing surgery or being sick from treatments. I thank God today and everyday for his Son, Jesus Christ and the redemption that he gave us. We only have to trust in the Lord and have a personal relationship with him.

Sunday Jan 27 - Good Day - Bad Day

Today we celebrated my mothers 74th birthday. We had it over at my niece Jocelyn's home. It was a nice get together. The kids had fun playing with Frankie and Bailey's toys. The boys all liked the army stuff that Frankie has. The morning service at church had a good message on creationism by Buddy Davis of the Creation Museum. He also did a concert tonight at church. He has a great voice and some really good original songs that he has written. He has a real talent for music and artwork.

My sister Sherry (Cheryl to some of you) told us some bad news today. Doctor Gliga, the surgeon who performed my first biopsy that revealed that I had cancer, has been diagnosed with lung cancer and it has spread to his brain. I was telling it to people at church tonight and found out that a friend of a church member had been scheduled for surgery last Wednesday. They got a call from the doctors office telling her the surgery had been canceled. She called Thursday and the office told her the doctor had retired. They announced it on Friday to the staff at Southwest General about his condition. He was very nice to me and showed a genuine concern about my cancer. He took the time to explain a lot to me after the surgery and the diagnosis. He seemed very genuine in his concern. He said to Patti and I when we were at his office that he would give his life that day to find the cure for cancer. He did not want the credit, only the cure. Now cancer will take his life. Please pray for the doctor and his family. I do not know his spiritual condition, but he has a caring spirit and it shows. All the people who I have talked to and have known him say the same thing, he cares for his patients.

I go back tomorrow to start week four of the radiation. We will call Dr. Koon, my oncologists this week to start setting it up for the Interferon to start. I will also have the stitches removed tomorrow. My prayer requests for this week is that the radiation will do what it is suppose to and the Interferon is only a maintenance procedure. That we can get things rolling on setting up the Interferon. That I can work through the fatigue moments and keep going with my life. And finally that you pray for Dr. Gliga and his family and that he may have the peace in his time of trial and that he may know the Lord God and find comfort with him.

Day 15 of Radiation

I told Patti this morning after my radiation visit that I would not be going there tomorrow. I needed a day off. Instead of thinking for a moment as she always does, she answered very quickly, sure, you deserve it, and while you are at it take Sunday off too. We did a lot of running around today picking up things we need for our projects and basic house needs. We are both very tired and it is only just past 6PM. Yesterday kinda took the wind out of our sails today. It was great working yesterday and we both look forward to it tomorrow here at home and at the office doing the bunk beds and picture frames. We picked up a few more ideas at the woodworking store in Brookpark. I just got a very nice card from Heather's in-laws Ron and Sandy Flatt in Butler, PA. I hesitate to bring up peoples names who send cards as I do not want to slight anyone who sent a card and then I don't mention it. In this case I want to put out on the blog to them that Patti and I will be coming to Butler Memorial Day weekend with the camper, dune buggies and ATV's. I promise this year not to roll the dune buggy and split my head open like last year. However, helmets are the rule for riders. The doctor told me that if I am going to fall off the ATV or roll the dune buggy, make sure it is on the left side of my body and not the right as my ribs are now more likely to break. Patti and I had a great time there last year, and hopefully this year is even better. I also want to publicly say Happy 74th Birthday to my mother for Saturday. She is a 18+ year cancer survivor and going strong. She is away with my sister on a shopping trip to PA and I hope she has fun spending my inheritance. (inside joke folks) I thank God today for giving me one of my most pain free days since November 9th. Monday the stitches come out and hopefully the discomfort there stops. I broke a stitch, I think, yesterday on my back while hooking up the snowplow on the ATV. I know, I was not suppose to be doing it but everyone else was busy doing their job and I know the best way to do it. Just my nature folks. Patti continues to yells at me and try to step in and do the job, but I do what I consider my jobs. She can be mad at me for doing it, but I can be satisfied that I got it accomplished. Maybe she is right to yell at me, but God didn't make me someone to stand around. (Sound like someone you know Clarence?) Right now I am months ahead of where I should be with my rehab from surgery and I attribute that to just doing my jobs that God gave me the wisdom and the abilities to do. Well, everyone have a good weekend. Many of you I will see at church on Sunday. God bless you all. And Ken, I have the answer to Hebrews 3:6.

Surgeon's report

Today was a rough day as I went to radiation, came home, took a shower, ate breakfast and then went to work. I can honestly say I am exhausted. When I got home at 3:30 Patti told me that Heather had just gotten into an accident. She and the boys were not hurt but the car did get some damage. I went up to Elyria to get her and the boys. The car was drivable so she followed me to her house. I came back home to a nice dinner provided by Joan and Herb Hutter. Problem was I almost fell asleep twice while eating. (I have dozed off several times while trying to type this so I will make it short) The best news of the day was the surgeon, Dr. Jeremy Beaurdox called me to tell me that they got all the cancer on my back as confirmed by the biopsy and that I can keep my thumb. They feel that the dark lines that come and go in my thumb are bloodlines and although they suspected it to be melanoma, they feel that got all the area of concern with the biopsy. He also told me that although no one did a biopsy on the brown tissue they found under my arm originally, that the dermatology staff feels that was more than likely the source and it is gone now. If only we could prove that it would drop me down a stage. Right now it doesn't matter, as I know God has guided the surgeon to remove all the cancer in me. Now I am just on a maintenance program just in case there are any of the little buggers floating around. My tan just keeps getting darker and my hair on my chest continues to wind up on the shower floor. Oh well, we still must thank God for the big and little things he does for us everyday. God bless you all for your prayers and support. We have a Great God.

Surgeon and Radiological Oncologist Update

Well, hopefully all of you made it thru Monday, the worse day of the year by all accounts on the radio, tv and print. Seems yesterday is the largest day for depression, suicides, murders (of family members) and the day most people get their Christmas bills. For me it was a great day. The radiologist oncologist (say it fast three times) said everything was looking good in the x-rays and I was looking good too. (We all knew that second part anyways) We then went downtown to University Hospital. The surgeon who did the biopsy on my thumb and back looked at the progress after four days and said it was looking good and I was looking good. (We all knew that second part anyways again) On a side note, Patti was complimented also as looking too young to be a grandma of 4 with one on the way. I told her that depressed me, as the doctor obviously needed his eyes checked and that was making me doubt just how good looking I am then. Oh well, at least this has not interfered with my sense of humor. I even got to take a shower so that made it a great ending to the day. I was exhaused after the radiation this morning and slept for almost 3 hours after I got home. I ate lunch and then went to the office. I worked on picture frames with Steve to hang up. We have a very important customer coming to discuss work with us on Thursday and we want the office looking good. I also got the wood for the bunk beds and will start cutting and planing the wood tomorrow. Still a little sore and I want to give the stitches another day before I try and rip them out working. God has blessed Patti and I very much both with family, church family and our business and business family. I was very reluctant to turn over the day to day operation of the business to Steve two November's ago, but it has worked out well. Steve has been able to take a lot of the stress off of me these past few months, and as everyone knows, cancer feeds on stress. He has done a very good job with the company and it continues to grow. I always had faith in his ability to run the company, I just didn't have the faith in myself that I could step aside. God has made that step for me, as it must be part of his plan for me and Patti in the future. When I figure out where he wants us to go, I will let everyone know. So I end this with my spirits high and the pain pills put away and thankful to God for everything he has done for me.

Sunday January 16, 2008 Update

Today is a Cabin Fever day even though I got out for church and a visit for lunch to Heather and Ron's house. I will admit to everyone today that I am tired, sore, enthusiastic, depressed, have cabin fever and really ready to get on with my life no matter where it takes me. I have not had a day since November 9th that I was not recouping from a surgery or something. Patti and I love each other, but I don't want to wear her out. We have a long haul ahead and since she is Mrs. Fix-it, she doesn't stop. I can tell you that it is no fun having to get a bath, go somewhere without being able to drive or even fix or eat a meal without your wife's help. (She helps with me eating as it saves her on laundry when I try to eat left handed) I know that we are suppose to be there for each other, but my plan was to be there for her and not the way it is. (And just a note, we are not fighting or anything like that, just the opposite, I just want to pick up my share of the load again) I feel that God has allowed the cancer to be cut out of me and that it is gone. So I think that is only fitting that I should be able to jump right back into doing my share. Probably 4 days is not enough time to recoup from what most would consider more than a minor surgery, but I have always been able to do it before. I believe now that the radiation is starting to take effect as I struggle with fatigue at the oddest times. Tomorrow I start week three of the six weeks of radiation therapy. I must say that I feel it working in my chest after the treatments. Some say you don't feel it, but to me I feel a warming, good feeling. I have about a month before McKenna will be born so I have to get the bunk beds done for Tyler and Joshua, as well as a few other projects. With not knowing the effects of the Interferon, I will need to keep at least that first month clear so I can react the best to anything that happens. On a side note, the surgeon who worked on my back and thumb let me know that he knew all about me before I walked into the office. He also told me that Sam Donaldson, the ABC reporter has had the same type of melanoma as I have for over 20 years now. They never found the source of his, removed the lymph nodes that were clustered, and gave him basically the same treatment and he has no sign of cancer. It is encouraging to me and Patti. I want to end this on some positive notes: 1, if anyone is going to give me a bath, drive me, feed me, or help me get dressed, I am glad that it is Patti. 2, I just have this positive feeling 23+ hours of the day that I will lick this and 3, I have a Great God, good prayer support going to God on my behalf, and a God whom I know has not finished with me yet. He has a purpose for all of this and I know that because He has not taken away my sense of humor, compassion, caring, hope or desire to live and help others struggling with cancer. Will see the surgeon tomorrow at the downtown UH main campus after the radiation treatment. I will update more when I know more. Thanks everyone.

A quick update

I am doing fine recovering from the surgery. I must say I needed the pain pills. I hate taking any kind of pills, but I needed the rest to help with my recovery and the radiation treatments. I finished #10 today and it was really hard to lay on that table with the stitches in my back. I need help getting dressed there and at home. Buttons are next to impossible with my thumb all bandaged up and really sore. It takes 2 techs to get me up from the table when the treatment is done. Patti is a trooper again, helping me to wash, dress and keeping me fed. I am glad we are on such good terms in our marriage. Otherwise she could really hurt me right now. I am not sure how much she likes changing my bandages, but she is always telling me how much hair I am loosing everytime the tape or bandages come off. After this I will never need a waxing. The hair will be gone for good I think. Well, off to take another pain pill and then never-never land. Praying for many of you who are hurting before I drift off every night. Thanks for your prayers. I can feel them everyday.

fourth surgery complete

Steve made it thru the surgery again. He has 34 stitches in his back and 8-10 in his thumb plus half his nail is gone. Probably will not get his nail back. Our appointment was for 3:00 and the doctor was running behind. We could have rescheduled, but we decided no way, that we wanted to get it done, and let the healing be over soon. We didn't get done and home until 8:00. Good thing Heather planned ahead and helped me with dinner or it would have been cereal or oatmeal tonight ,and Steve hates oatmel. He is on a strong pain killer so he will be out of it for the next few days so his woodworking project for Saturday will have to go on hold. Plus he can't get his thumb wet. No way to wood work and keep clean. It will be a busy day tomorrow as both Steve and my mom have to be at Southwest General Hospital at 7:30. Mom knows about Steve's cancer so they will go together. My mom has a CAT scan and Steve has his radiation treatments both at the same time. Steven T is picking up his dad so he doesn't have to stay there the whole time. Pray for my mom that the mass on her stomach is just from her bumping it and not anything else. Steve has to go back the doctor on Monday to have the surgery checked. Thanks for your prayers and support. Sorry I didn't make it to AWANA tonight, I hate to miss it.

2nd week of radiation & more surgery

There are 5 radiation treatments down and 23 more to go. Saturday and Sunday I had no signs of fatigue. I did work Saturday afternoon over at J.L. Moore moving the Artic Fox camper into an off area of the warehouse. I also rearranged a lot of stuff sitting on the warehouse floor and put up on shelves for more floor space so I can work on my furniture projects. I also got out my new (2year old) planer, jointer and large industrial shop vac equipment and tested them out. Just have to hook all the tools up to the shop vac using flexible pipe. Did get a chance to run all three ATV's to keep the gas mixed up and not gum up the fuel system. Split about 25 logs with the log splitter and cleaned up the sheets of steel that had blown around in the parking area. Did a dumb stunt moving a Taco Bell refrigerator and ended up with the unit on top of my legs. They are now bruised and sore, but they still work. It was hard sitting in church on Sunday morning as most of my muscles in my right arm and legs hurt. But it was a good hurt as I worked to cause the pain. I am still amazed by the people coming up to me telling me that they or someone in their family has cancer and could I pray for them. I count that as a privilege to be asked. My blood pressure has been great this last week. The doctor wanted me to be around 130/80. It has been around 117/75. Maybe because I have resigned myself to live one day at a time as the Lord allows. One cute thing that Patti said I have to repeat. And I quote her, "In the 34+ years we have been married, we have learned to share everything. I am going thru the change of life with all the hot flashes and you (Steve) seem to be doing all the crying." Yep, we have shared pretty much every trial and triumph that have come along. Cancer is just one more sharing event. Have a great week and pray for someone who needs it, especially pray if that someone is yourself.

First week of radiation finished

Well, today was day five of twenty eight days of radiation. I get Saturday and Sunday off. We are noticing that I am starting to get more effects from the treatments. I am experiencing a fluid build up, some redness and some fatigue. Nothing that I cannot live with. I have gotten several requests for prayer for other people suffering from cancer. It is mind boggling to think of all these people that I see when at the Ireland Cancer Center and UH that have cancer. And to see it touch our church family and their family makes me wonder where I have been all these years. Did I just ignore it or didn't think about it so that it wouldn't happen to me? I will tell all of you that every day I feel stronger towards fighting this and seeing my grandchildren at least graduate high school. That would give me about another 18 or 19 years. I got on the net yesterday and should never have done it. With all the information I end up depressed so I am going to stay off of it. There is very little in the way of encouragement and a lot of stats and people complaining about the fact that they have cancer that just are a downer. One email of encouragement that I did get was really enthusiastic about the other "c" word, cure blog that I wrote. They did remind me that there was an even bigger "C" word working for me, "Christ". They have someone who has a non treatable cancer in their family and I will set him aside in my prayers as well as the other cancer sufferers that others have mentioned. Those letters of encouragement, especially including prayer requests, whether a short note or a long letter, really mean a lot to me. Well I get the two day break so I am going to make the most of it working on projects and other things around the house and the office. I plan on making furniture and other crafts over the next year to keep my brain and my physical self busy and like I said above, stay off the internet. I will take that down time when it comes and read God's word and pray for those I know are in need. Thanks for the prayers, the encouragement and the support.

It Just Doesn't End

Well, today the radiation kicked me pretty hard and it is only the second day. I do not know if I am over tired or it is the radiation. I was so tired when I got home that I slept for two hours and have been fighting fatigue the whole day. We went to Amish Country with Heather, Caleb and Micah. We left at noon and got back about 7 tonight. I pushed it because that is just what I think I have to do. At 4:15 I got a call on my cell phone from the Dermatologists office. Two of the three biopsies from last week were negative. The other tested positive for Basil Cell Cancer. I am now scheduled for my fourth surgery on Wednesday, January 16th, the day I was suppose to get the stitches out. Now they will cut all of the healed area out to about double the size I was told. Another 14 days of not being able to sleep on my back or sit comfortably in a chair. They will also do the biopsy on my right thumbnail and now, the black line has appeared in my left one also. Oh well, I told Patti that anything they found I would have them cut it out first and ask questions later. I haven't had to ask them, they just do it. I did have a great day with my wife, daughter and grandsons. I am also getting ready to build maple bunk beds for my grandsons Tyler and Joshua. I build Heather and Steve's beds when they were small and look forward to doing it again for Steve's kids and building a set for here at the house when the boys stay over. I have asked God to give me grace for one day at a time and patience for the long road ahead towards being cured.

First Treatment day

I could hardly sleep last night in anticipation of getting started on the radiation therapy. I kept waking up every 20-30 minutes looking at the clock to make sure that I would get up on time. Patti and I got there at 7:33 and we were out the door at 7:50. They told me it would be faster from now on because the had to do some final alignments and give me one more tattoo. I asked for a train, but they only do green dots. I am extremely tired today and do not know if it from waking up so much or the radiation. I am figuring it is the lack of sleep at this point. Sunday was a real upbeat day as I really was looking forward to the radiation therapy. It has been 4 weeks since the surgery to remove the cancer and the wait is worse than anything. I have been very down the past week as I just wanted to get things going and did way too much reading on the net. I must keep remembering that I am an individual and not a statistic. The words of encouragement from my friends and fellow church members always gives me a lift. The last thing I wanted to do was to drag myself out of the house on Sunday night for the evening service. Patti would have been willing to stay home if that was my choice, but at the last minute I said "let's go". It truly turned out to be a blessing talking with others. It helped me lift my spirits and turned some of my anger I have been feeling into joy. The anger was not bad, it was just my way of getting tough and jumping into the fight to lick this situation. Patti really needs some prayer as she is really having a tough time with her mom. It is like her mom wants to go to the hospital for attention or something like that. I listen to Patti talking to her on the phone and it is like talking to a child. She does not want to eat or do anything to make herself better. Her sister was in the hospital for a week and it seems like she wants to do the same thing. Other family members have been tied up with their own medical and family problems or out of town. Although there are a lot of other family members, things do get busy and it is tough on all. Patti tries so hard to be the fixer. She is trying so hard to to fix me that I worry about her. So again, pray for her. Thanks.

Mapped out and ready to go for radiation

Well, I look like a map on my right side. They laid me out today for the radiation treatments to start at 7:45 on Monday and continue for 5 & 3/5th weeks, M-F. They will be at Southwest General Ireland Cancer Center. Got to meet the staff and the personnel who will be doing the radiation. I wondered how they were going to get me in the same position each time. When I was there Monday they blew up a sort of pillow around my head, arms and shoulders. Today when I went in there was a mold with my name on it. Sure enough, it fit me like a glove. So, as I said, we will begin Monday. I am looking positively towards the outcome and ask for prayer for me specifically for killing the cancer cells, maintaining strength, little or no scarring damage to my lungs and a good testimony to the staff and other patients. I ask for your prayers for Patti as she is running herself ragged between me and all my needs plus now her mother who is acting more like a 90 year old than a 75 year old. Pray for my mother as she is dealing with helping her friend, George Carey, as the cancer has spread in his body and things don't look good. Pray also for our friends Mary and Jerry Buckholtz as Jerry has now gone on hospice for his cancer. He is a fine, Christian man who gave me a lot of support when he found out that I had cancer. Mary is a small woman and it is tough looking out for Jerry as he is a lot bigger than her. I thank you all for your letters, gifts, cards and phone calls. I really feel the friendship, concern and prayers every day. If you have someone who is in need of prayer, let me and Patti know. God does listen to prayer. I know.

January 3rd Update

Yesterday we visited the dermatologist to have a full body check to determine possible spots of interest. We figured that it would be an hour visit or so. It turned out to be much longer. About 3 hours. After being examined by a resident and an intern, I was examined by Dr. Cooper who is head of the department at UH. His specialty is melanoma. He was aware of my case as well as the resident at they have been involved in the conferencing. They took a very strong look at anything and everything on my body and decided on removal of three spots on my skin. One on my left arm that I had frozen off a growth some 2 years ago. A rather ugly mole that was just below the scar in the area where the melanoma was discovered under my right arm. And finally a rather large unhealed area in the center of my back. The first two were removed by what they call a punch out and required about 6 to 8 stitches each. The one on my back required actual surgical removal. Patti got to watch everything and ended up assisting in getting some items and opening them up for the doctors so they did not get out of their sterile mode. She watched them as they scooped a large area of skin out of my back. She described it like coring half an apple. She said it did not bother her as it was not her having been cut and scooped. She said she felt rather bad for me and the obvious pain and discomfort that it was causing me. That scoop took about 18 stitches to close up. Today it is painfully sore as every movement seems to affect that area. Tomorrow will be interesting as I will have to lay on my back for the radiological alignment so I can start radiation treatments on Monday. Oh well, no pain, no gain. I will have to visit yet another doctor who is a dermatology surgeon to remove possibly my right thumb nail (or part of it) and possibly part of my right thumb for biopsy as I have a sliver of black that runs thru the nail that very easily could be melanoma. The finger and toe nails are an area that a lot of people get melanoma started in and never know it. That will be on January 16th. This should not interfere with the radiation treatments. My thought today as I am in some discomfort from the biopsy cuts and a cold were in my morning devotion. God speaks to those who take time to listen, and He listens to those who take time to pray. Take time to pray and listen to God right after your read this. God does listen.